Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Everything I Know I Learned From Old Musicals. God Help Us All.

Ah, musicals.  They hearken back to a simpler time, when women were women and men thought nothing of bursting into song and dance.  These lovely tales not only fill my heart with song but have taught me numerous life lessons that I will not soon forget.

 Lesson #1, from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers:  Kidnapping is a legitimate form of courtship.

It's a love tale for the ages:  boys meet girls, boys fall in love with girls, boys steal girls away to their isolated cabin and keeps them there all winter...I mean, I can't believe that Batman didn't use kidnapping when he dated me.  It's just so romantic.

I'm considering applying this to other relationships, I think it could totally work.  For instance, I've been considering ways to strike up a friendship with other mothers at the park.  Maybe if I kidnap one to show her how awesome I am, she'll realize that I'm the best friend she never had and we can go on playdates and to the mall and exercise together.  Now I just need an isolated cabin and a van with tinted windows.

Of course, I'll also have to sing about historical atrocities while I do so.  Maybe I'll make a jaunty comparison to the kidnapping of the Lindberg baby--after all, this musical has a song about the (rape of the) Sabine women.  
I'm so happy that someone kidnapped me to show me true love!

Lesson #2, from Bye Bye Birdie:  It's okay to drug people to get what you want.

In the last part of this movie, the main characters use a new drug called "Speed-up" (who are we kidding?  It's just speed) to make the Russian ballet go ultra-fast so that they can be on the Ed Sullivan Show.  

I think that this visionary approach to problem solving is not applied often enough in this day and age.  Someone trying to steal your promotion?  Crack-cocaine to the rescue!  A boss doesn't seem to like you?  Perhaps some ecstasy will solve that!
 Who cares about the long term ramifications of using this new drug I developed?  My song was played the Ed Sullivan Show!

Lesson #3, from Kiss Me, Kate:  Physical abuse is his way of showing that he cares.

I don't even have to write to explain this one, just take a look at the movie poster:

Really?  Really?!?

Clearly, true love = physical violence.  Apparently Batman never got the memo about this.

Lesson #4, from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum:  Orgies, slavery, and prostitution are HILARIOUS. 

I am soooooooo bored, but this movie has shown me how to have a great time.  Batman and I are going to visit a brothel, have an orgy, and perhaps participate in human trafficking.  I know it sounds highly illegal and as if we're benefiting from the misery of others, but trust me--it'll be a rollicking good time.

"Tragedy tomorrow..." (when the cops arrest us), "comedy tonight!"

I vote that Batman gets to be the crossdresser in this situation. 

This blog entry is taking me a bit longer than I expected and I keep coming up with new ones, so I'll just wrap it up.

Lesson #5, from the Unsinkable Molly Brown: Always snub those who are mean to you.

Lesson #6 from Meet me in St. Louis:  Children are creepy and obsessed with death.

Lesson #7 from Annie Get Your Gun:  Never, ever be better at something than a man.

Lesson #8 from The Music Man:  You can reform that criminal through love!

Lesson #9 from Hello, Dolly:  Always marry for money.  (This is also a lesson from the Unsinkable Molly Brown)

Lesson #10 from Calamity Jane:  He won't love you until you wear a dress.

See how much these old movies taught me?  With these old fashioned values and beliefs, how can I go wrong?

No comments:

Post a Comment