Lesson #1, from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers: Kidnapping is a legitimate form of courtship.
It's a love tale for the ages: boys meet girls, boys fall in love with girls, boys steal girls away to their isolated cabin and keeps them there all winter...I mean, I can't believe that Batman didn't use kidnapping when he dated me. It's just so romantic.
I'm considering applying this to other relationships, I think it could totally work. For instance, I've been considering ways to strike up a friendship with other mothers at the park. Maybe if I kidnap one to show her how awesome I am, she'll realize that I'm the best friend she never had and we can go on playdates and to the mall and exercise together. Now I just need an isolated cabin and a van with tinted windows.
Of course, I'll also have to sing about historical atrocities while I do so. Maybe I'll make a jaunty comparison to the kidnapping of the Lindberg baby--after all, this musical has a song about the (rape of the) Sabine women.
I'm so happy that someone kidnapped me to show me true love!
Lesson #2, from Bye Bye Birdie: It's okay to drug people to get what you want.
In the last part of this movie, the main characters use a new drug called "Speed-up" (who are we kidding? It's just speed) to make the Russian ballet go ultra-fast so that they can be on the Ed Sullivan Show.
I think that this visionary approach to problem solving is not applied often enough in this day and age. Someone trying to steal your promotion? Crack-cocaine to the rescue! A boss doesn't seem to like you? Perhaps some ecstasy will solve that!
Who cares about the long term ramifications of using this new drug I developed? My song was played the Ed Sullivan Show!
Lesson #3, from Kiss Me, Kate: Physical abuse is his way of showing that he cares.
I don't even have to write to explain this one, just take a look at the movie poster:
Clearly, true love = physical violence. Apparently Batman never got the memo about this.
Lesson #4, from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum: Orgies, slavery, and prostitution are HILARIOUS.
I am soooooooo bored, but this movie has shown me how to have a great time. Batman and I are going to visit a brothel, have an orgy, and perhaps participate in human trafficking. I know it sounds highly illegal and as if we're benefiting from the misery of others, but trust me--it'll be a rollicking good time.
"Tragedy tomorrow..." (when the cops arrest us), "comedy tonight!"
I vote that Batman gets to be the crossdresser in this situation.
This blog entry is taking me a bit longer than I expected and I keep coming up with new ones, so I'll just wrap it up.
Lesson #5, from the Unsinkable Molly Brown: Always snub those who are mean to you.
Lesson #6 from Meet me in St. Louis: Children are creepy and obsessed with death.
Lesson #7 from Annie Get Your Gun: Never, ever be better at something than a man.
Lesson #8 from The Music Man: You can reform that criminal through love!
Lesson #9 from Hello, Dolly: Always marry for money. (This is also a lesson from the Unsinkable Molly Brown)
Lesson #10 from Calamity Jane: He won't love you until you wear a dress.
See how much these old movies taught me? With these old fashioned values and beliefs, how can I go wrong?