Sunday, April 10, 2011

You're never too young (or too old) to dress up a statue of a goose.

A funny thing happened on the way to the park today.  Batman, Mo-mo and I saw a statue of a goose...but it was naked.

"That's indecent.  If you're going to have a statue of a goose, you might as well put some clothes on it," remarked Batman.

It was like a light bulb went off in my head.  "OH MY GOD.  I NEED A STATUE OF A GOOSE, AND I NEED TO DRESS IT UP."

"I think you don't meet the minimum age requirements for owning a dress-up goose.  There's a rule somewhere that if you're going to buy costumes for a statue, you must be over fifty and also own a Pomeranian named Baby."

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" (Yes, sometimes I talk in all caps.)  "I wouldn't put it in Easter dresses or bumblebee outfits.  That's just weird.  I'm thinking about creating tiny little outfits for a resin goose as an homage to some of my favorite fictional characters."

Batman made me a deal:  If I draw 10 sketches of the goose statue in different suitably awesome costumes, I could get one.  And make it outfits.

I'm thinking Harry Potter, James T. Kirk, Elvis*, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Wolverine, Darth Vader, Princess Leia, Batman**, and Captain Jack Sparrow. 

While I do not yet have ten sketches of attired geese, I can offer you this one:

Why yes.  This is a goose dressed up as Harry Potter.

Next step:  Convincing Batman that I need not one, but four geese statues.  I could stage elaborate tableaux, including one with Harry Potter Goose, Ron Weasley Goose, Hermione Granger Goose, and the ever-popular Voldemort Goose.  Plus, there could be the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle-Geese.

Maybe I need a new hobby. 

*while not fictional, he is awesome enough to warrant dressing up a small goose statue in his honor.
** The superhero, not my husband.  Although the idea of dressing up a goose statue as my husband does have its merits--mostly that it would probably embarrass him.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Tumblr and I don't get along. And I read a lot.

As you, my faithful reader knows, I recently attempted to switch my blog over to Tumblr.  It didn't go so hot.

I know just enough HTML to pretend like I know what I'm doing but not enough to actually make anything the way I want it to look.  In comparison, Blogger is ridiculously easy.

All I really wanted to do was change the name of the blog.  I called it "The Whole Mommy Thing" when I thought I was going to do one of those cutesie milestone blogs with too many exclamation points.  Mo-mo went to the park today!  Mo-mo stood up by herself today!  Mo-mo composed her first haiku today!

As I changed my writing style to a more humorous bent, "The Whole Mommy Thing" title didn't really fit anymore.  I felt mild pangs of guilt when I didn't actually write about my daughter for several weeks, as if I were depriving her of her time in the spotlight and would permanently scar her psyche in such a manner that she would insist on entering us in mother/daughter beauty pageants when she grew older to compensate.

So it's now "The Blarg" because that's shorter than "Crap I write about my life and family and books and try to make occasionally funny but without using too many swear words because all my relatives read it".  And it has all of my old entries from "The Whole Mommy Thing" and my brief experiment on Tumblr.

And now here's an awkward segue-way to....BOOKS I READ IN MARCH!

1. Outlander and Dragonfly in Amber by Diana Gabaldon


Time traveling historical fiction romance series.  I'm currently reading the third of the series.  A WWII nurse gets transported back to the Scottish Highlands in the 1700's.  At 600+ pages, there are definitely some slow parts, but all-in-all, it seems to paint a very vivid picture with historical accuracy (including the ugly violent parts).  

3. Waking The Witch by Kelley Armstrong (11th in the Women of the Otherworld Series)

I just started reading this series a couple of months ago--I had tried before, but hadn't much liked the main characters featured in the first three novels.  This definitely wouldn't be the novel to begin with if you're interested in the series.  The series is "urban fantasy", about werewolves, necromancers, witches and sorcerers living their lives in secret from normal humans.  This particular one features Savannah, a 20-something witch trying to prove herself.  I suggest starting with "Bitten", or "Dime Store Magic" (which is all about Savannah's adopted parents).

4. Pale Demon by Kim Harrison (The Hollows, Book 9)

Hmmm.  On one hand, I love me some Kim Harrison.  Her books titles are mostly puns from old western movies, with the word "demon" inserted somewhere in there.  On the other hand, I feel as if every single character acted stupid and selfish at least once in this particular novel.  Don't get me wrong--it's not terrible, it had some amazing moments (especially with Al and Newt), it just wasn't one of her best.

5. The Innocent Mage by Karen Miller
I chose this book for its cover, just picked it off the shelf at Border's and decided to give it a try.  It had potential.  The characters were vivid, well-written, and interesting...but the plot was just cobbled together in a hurry with the basic reoccurring elements of a average fantasy novel.  Lowly peasant is actually special but no one can't tell him, end of the world coming, prince who lost his magic and trying to reconnect with the people...none of it was particularly thrilling or even new.

6. Something Real by J.J. Murray
I picked this one up for $.25 from the library, and thought I'd give it a shot.  It's an interracial romance book told from the perspective of a black woman (and, strangely enough, written by a white man).  It was funny, and the characters were interesting and a lot of the small town mindset was well reflected by the auxiliary characters.  It sometimes lacked depth and at times the main character seemed to have meltdowns for no reason, but I was willing to forgive it.  I would read more by this author.

7. A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness

My stepmother summarized this book for me when she loaned it to me:  "It's like a supernatural fiction written by someone who has never actually read a supernatural fiction."  Nothing actually happens and the characters are lame stereotypes (a sexy vampire?  Who would have ever thought of that?)  I stuck with the book until the bitter end because I kept thinking that the action had to come soon...but it never did.

8. The Search by Nora Roberts

I will say this for Nora Robert books: they are comfortable.  There will never be any true plot twists, in that you always know that the guy will get the girl in the end (sometime after they resolve some personal emotional conflict which prevents them from telling each other I love you).  This particular one was kind of neat because it was about a woman who trained search and rescue dogs, and I thought some of the details about that were interesting.   

9. Hiroshima by John Hersey
Yes, this is definitely not my typical book, but I thought it was fascinating.  It's a nonfiction book that follows the events of the Hiroshima from the perspective of six individuals who survived the bomb.  It was absolutely heart-wrenching to read and painted a clear picture of the atrocities of nuclear war.  It includes an update of the six individuals 40 years later. 

10. Blackout by Rob Thurman (Cal Leandros, Book 6)

I've always liked this series but I thought that this one was particular good.  This series is about two brothers who fight monsters, with one of them being part "monster" himself.  The main character, Cal, awakes with no recollection of who he is.  While this premise sounds hackneyed, it did a great job of exploring the way Cal and his brother Nick use each other to define who they truly are.  Most supernatural writers fall into the trap of writing the same sort of story over and over again but with a slightly different bad guys.  I think that Rob Thurman did an excellent job in actually giving the readers something new but utterly believable.

3 things I've been wondering about vampires.

Do you ever think about vampires?

I know that there are a lot of ladies out there nodding their heads, leering, making suggestive gestures and saying something like “Edward can bust my headboard any day.”  And no, this blarg entry is definitely not going to be about that.*

As an aficionado of horror films, supernatural fiction, and graphic novels** there are a couple of things I’ve been wondering about vampires.

1.  The Mirror

So vampires can’t see their own reflection.  Which has to be hard, because you can’t do your hair or your make-up.  I know these creatures of the night are supposed to have perfect skin, perfect lips, blah blah blah, so they probably don’t need undereye concealer even if their vampiric baby woke up every two hours because she’s teething. Or because their vampiric baby woke up with an overwhelming thirst for blood.  You know, whatever.

But if they don’t need make-up, why do all the wannabe vampires look like they drowned rats with too much eyeliner and awful black lipstick?

Plus, paradoxically, vampires do show up on camera.  Which means that by extension, they show up on video camera.  Which means that they show up on a web-camera.  No, I’m not suggesting that vampires should use chat roulette.***

If vampire reflections show up on web-cameras, they could just use the feed from their computer as a mirror.
 I have just solved one of the greatest conundrums of the vampire population.  Vampires everywhere, you’re welcome.  


2. The bite

Everyone knows what the vampire’s bite looks like: two round holes trickling a bit of blood on a beautiful lady’s neck, usually with an obligatory shot of too much cleavage.

How in the world do they make that bite mark?  Wouldn’t they their bottom teeth also make a mark?  I can think of two possibilities:

a) Their jaws can unhinge, like a snake.  If this were the case, we probably would have heard the locker room version of male vampire talk. Didja hear what Elspeth the Dark can do with her mouth?  They don’t call her “The Devourer” because her thirst for blood!

b) They look very, very, very dumb when they try to bite people.  A vampire would have to stick out their front teeth as far as they could as if they had a horrible overbite and then gingerly bit the neck with the top fangs only.  Here’s my artistic interpretation of what one would look like in mid-bite:

Yes.  That would totally be hot.

3. Attraction to underage females

Listen to this with an open mind:
A twenty year old guy becomes obsessed with a high school girl.  He stalks her, secretly follows her around, and stares at her all the time.  He is convinced that she, and only she, is his true soul mate.  He’s worried that he’s going to hurt her, but ultimately urges her to defy convention and give in to their feelings of passion and lust.

This. Is. Creepy.  I’d be calling the cops on this sicko.  Sounds like an episode of the Jerry Springer Show.  Now replace “twenty year old guy” with “two hundred year old vampire”…and suddenly the situation is somehow transformed to being romantic.

And why teenage girls?  Have you ever been around teenage girls for any length of time?  They are awful.  That includes me.  I would rather poke my eye out with a fork than read my diaries from high school, they are that bad.  Teenage girls are whiny, mopey, prone to sudden mood swings, and VERY giggly.  As plants thrive on sunshine, teenage girls thrive on drama and backstabbery.****  This does not sound like a fun way to spend eternal life to me.    

*Because I’m TEAM JACOB.
**Graphic novels are totally different from comic books.  SHUT UP THEY TOTALLY ARE.
***I am linking the chat roulette explanation from wikipedia for the older family members of mine.  DISCLAIMER: DO NOT TRY ACTUAL CHAT ROULETTE unless you want to see male genitalia.  I’ve never tried it, I swear.  I’ve just heard stories.
****You can wordify anything if you just verb it.

Welcome back, me.

Hello folks.  Nope, this isn’t The Whole Mommy Thing.  This is an entirely new, awesome, ground-breaking, riveting, blog.  Or blarg, if you will.

And by entirely new and ground-breaking, I mean it probably will be very similar to my old blog, but with more poop jokes.  I am in the middle of potty-training, after all.

So why the long hiatus?  I got busy.  I was working long hours for my job and didn’t have the time to keep up with writing.  I missed it and considered sporadically updating but I feel like if you’re going to have a blog, you should do it right.  So this is my attempt at “doing it right”.

(Deduct -10 points from your maturity quotient if you just thought that’s what she said and snickered to yourself.  I know I did.)

I am currently battling homemade-itis.  Somehow I got it into my mind that if I bake something from scratch, it’s not pathetic if I eat it all.  Eating 4 bags of double-stuff Oreos in two weeks?  Gross and pathetic.  Eating 4 batches of homemade cookies in two weeks?  Kudos to me for baking.  I must be freakin’ supermom.

Even worse, this baking binge started out as an attempt to make thank-you cookies for the next door neighbor, who gave us her daughter’s old Dora the Explorer dollhouse.  Somehow the cookies haven’t lasted long enough for me to put them on a plate and walk next door.  First, I’ll eat a couple because they’re just out of the oven.  Then, I have exactly enough to put on a plate and bring them over—but I can’t resist eating one more.  Then I say screw it and finish them all off because I know I can always make more.

I call my latest batch of cookies “I need an excuse to eat Reese’s peanut butter cups because they have the giant egg ones at the store for Easter and those things are amazing but may cause me to go into a diabetic coma”.  Here’s the recipe.  I’m warning you, they’re dangerous.

And I don’t think my neighbors are going to get any of them.