Tuesday, April 5, 2011

3 things I've been wondering about vampires.

Do you ever think about vampires?

I know that there are a lot of ladies out there nodding their heads, leering, making suggestive gestures and saying something like “Edward can bust my headboard any day.”  And no, this blarg entry is definitely not going to be about that.*

As an aficionado of horror films, supernatural fiction, and graphic novels** there are a couple of things I’ve been wondering about vampires.

1.  The Mirror

So vampires can’t see their own reflection.  Which has to be hard, because you can’t do your hair or your make-up.  I know these creatures of the night are supposed to have perfect skin, perfect lips, blah blah blah, so they probably don’t need undereye concealer even if their vampiric baby woke up every two hours because she’s teething. Or because their vampiric baby woke up with an overwhelming thirst for blood.  You know, whatever.

But if they don’t need make-up, why do all the wannabe vampires look like they drowned rats with too much eyeliner and awful black lipstick?

Plus, paradoxically, vampires do show up on camera.  Which means that by extension, they show up on video camera.  Which means that they show up on a web-camera.  No, I’m not suggesting that vampires should use chat roulette.***

If vampire reflections show up on web-cameras, they could just use the feed from their computer as a mirror.
 I have just solved one of the greatest conundrums of the vampire population.  Vampires everywhere, you’re welcome.  


2. The bite

Everyone knows what the vampire’s bite looks like: two round holes trickling a bit of blood on a beautiful lady’s neck, usually with an obligatory shot of too much cleavage.

How in the world do they make that bite mark?  Wouldn’t they their bottom teeth also make a mark?  I can think of two possibilities:

a) Their jaws can unhinge, like a snake.  If this were the case, we probably would have heard the locker room version of male vampire talk. Didja hear what Elspeth the Dark can do with her mouth?  They don’t call her “The Devourer” because her thirst for blood!

b) They look very, very, very dumb when they try to bite people.  A vampire would have to stick out their front teeth as far as they could as if they had a horrible overbite and then gingerly bit the neck with the top fangs only.  Here’s my artistic interpretation of what one would look like in mid-bite:

Yes.  That would totally be hot.

3. Attraction to underage females

Listen to this with an open mind:
A twenty year old guy becomes obsessed with a high school girl.  He stalks her, secretly follows her around, and stares at her all the time.  He is convinced that she, and only she, is his true soul mate.  He’s worried that he’s going to hurt her, but ultimately urges her to defy convention and give in to their feelings of passion and lust.

This. Is. Creepy.  I’d be calling the cops on this sicko.  Sounds like an episode of the Jerry Springer Show.  Now replace “twenty year old guy” with “two hundred year old vampire”…and suddenly the situation is somehow transformed to being romantic.

And why teenage girls?  Have you ever been around teenage girls for any length of time?  They are awful.  That includes me.  I would rather poke my eye out with a fork than read my diaries from high school, they are that bad.  Teenage girls are whiny, mopey, prone to sudden mood swings, and VERY giggly.  As plants thrive on sunshine, teenage girls thrive on drama and backstabbery.****  This does not sound like a fun way to spend eternal life to me.    

*Because I’m TEAM JACOB.
**Graphic novels are totally different from comic books.  SHUT UP THEY TOTALLY ARE.
***I am linking the chat roulette explanation from wikipedia for the older family members of mine.  DISCLAIMER: DO NOT TRY ACTUAL CHAT ROULETTE unless you want to see male genitalia.  I’ve never tried it, I swear.  I’ve just heard stories.
****You can wordify anything if you just verb it.

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