Sunday, June 27, 2010

The basics.

Stepmom, midway through dinner:  Where's the Tony's?  Has anybody seen it?

I spot it on the counter and grab it for her.

Batman:  Oh.  My.  God.  This is a historic day.

Stepmom:  What?

Batman:  We almost went through an entire meal without having Tony's.  This is unprecedented.

Dad:  In most marriages, this would be grounds for a divorce.

  This is spiced deliciousness, ya'll.  Seriously, if you haven't tried it, you should. 

Friday, June 25, 2010

One year.

One year, in the life of Mo-mo.



Happy birthday, little girl.  I love you so much.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Self referential.

Me, after putting on a new outfit:  I look like a hooker.  But I'm okay with it because at least I look like an expensive hooker.  Not the type that hang out on street corners, but the ones who do business out of nicer hotel bars.   

Batman:  ...if I had a blog, I would write that in it.

 This is an example of street corner hookerware.  I was not wearing this*.

*If you're wondering what I was wearing, it was a skirt, sandals, and a strapless top.  I only looked slightly hookerish.  Hookeresque?  There needs to be a better adjective made out of the word "hooker".

Friday, June 18, 2010

Trouble with a capital "T"

When I was picking up Mo-mo from the nursery at the YMCA, I took a moment to watch her through the glass window.

"Awww, how sweet!"  I thought.  "She's playing with that other baby!"

Indeed, she was crawling after another baby and laughing.  She was laughing as she caught up to him and STOLE THE BINKY RIGHT OUT OF HIS MOUTH.  The nursery workers swooped in before she could pop it in her mouth. 

Apparently, we have a binky thief on our hands. 

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Everything I Know I Learned From Old Musicals. God Help Us All.

Ah, musicals.  They hearken back to a simpler time, when women were women and men thought nothing of bursting into song and dance.  These lovely tales not only fill my heart with song but have taught me numerous life lessons that I will not soon forget.

 Lesson #1, from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers:  Kidnapping is a legitimate form of courtship.

It's a love tale for the ages:  boys meet girls, boys fall in love with girls, boys steal girls away to their isolated cabin and keeps them there all winter...I mean, I can't believe that Batman didn't use kidnapping when he dated me.  It's just so romantic.

I'm considering applying this to other relationships, I think it could totally work.  For instance, I've been considering ways to strike up a friendship with other mothers at the park.  Maybe if I kidnap one to show her how awesome I am, she'll realize that I'm the best friend she never had and we can go on playdates and to the mall and exercise together.  Now I just need an isolated cabin and a van with tinted windows.

Of course, I'll also have to sing about historical atrocities while I do so.  Maybe I'll make a jaunty comparison to the kidnapping of the Lindberg baby--after all, this musical has a song about the (rape of the) Sabine women.  
I'm so happy that someone kidnapped me to show me true love!

Lesson #2, from Bye Bye Birdie:  It's okay to drug people to get what you want.

In the last part of this movie, the main characters use a new drug called "Speed-up" (who are we kidding?  It's just speed) to make the Russian ballet go ultra-fast so that they can be on the Ed Sullivan Show.  

I think that this visionary approach to problem solving is not applied often enough in this day and age.  Someone trying to steal your promotion?  Crack-cocaine to the rescue!  A boss doesn't seem to like you?  Perhaps some ecstasy will solve that!
 Who cares about the long term ramifications of using this new drug I developed?  My song was played the Ed Sullivan Show!

Lesson #3, from Kiss Me, Kate:  Physical abuse is his way of showing that he cares.

I don't even have to write to explain this one, just take a look at the movie poster:

Really?  Really?!?

Clearly, true love = physical violence.  Apparently Batman never got the memo about this.

Lesson #4, from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum:  Orgies, slavery, and prostitution are HILARIOUS. 

I am soooooooo bored, but this movie has shown me how to have a great time.  Batman and I are going to visit a brothel, have an orgy, and perhaps participate in human trafficking.  I know it sounds highly illegal and as if we're benefiting from the misery of others, but trust me--it'll be a rollicking good time.

"Tragedy tomorrow..." (when the cops arrest us), "comedy tonight!"

I vote that Batman gets to be the crossdresser in this situation. 

This blog entry is taking me a bit longer than I expected and I keep coming up with new ones, so I'll just wrap it up.

Lesson #5, from the Unsinkable Molly Brown: Always snub those who are mean to you.

Lesson #6 from Meet me in St. Louis:  Children are creepy and obsessed with death.

Lesson #7 from Annie Get Your Gun:  Never, ever be better at something than a man.

Lesson #8 from The Music Man:  You can reform that criminal through love!

Lesson #9 from Hello, Dolly:  Always marry for money.  (This is also a lesson from the Unsinkable Molly Brown)

Lesson #10 from Calamity Jane:  He won't love you until you wear a dress.

See how much these old movies taught me?  With these old fashioned values and beliefs, how can I go wrong?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Mo-mo almost got an older sister.

Today Mo-mo and I went to the waterpark.  We sat in the shallow baby area, playing with her rubber ducky.

A seven year old girl started staring at us and inching closer and closer.  Eventually she was sitting right next to us.  She kept staring intently at me until she burst out with, "You look like my brother's girlfriend's friend's violin teacher!"


Later, when Mo-mo and I were tubing through the lazy river, she passed us in an inner-tube and cackled in a very good evil villain voice, "SO WE MEET AGAIN!"

I almost stole her and took her home with me just to hear what she'd say next, but I figured Batman wouldn't approve.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Crafty like a fox

So I'm taking a cake decorating class at Micheal's.  This week we practiced making a lovely cupcake design.  The cupcake in the book looked light and fluffy and cute.

Mine looks like a pile 'o brains.

What's that you say?  It doesn't look too bad?  Let's get a closer look.

Definitely a brain with a cherry on top.  Maybe I was just channeling my inner zombie.

It was still delicious.

I've also been working on a texture monster, a variation of the taggie monsters that I made before.  My cousin's son has sensory processing disorder.  He's been doing awesome with his therapy and they've been exposing him to toys with a lot of texture.  I made my standard monster, but added faux snake skin on one leg and tulle on the other, plus a uni-brow of fake fur and fringe around his back.  I think he turned out quite cute! 

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

In a funk. And not the fun music type, like on Glee.

So I've been out of sorts for a bit.  This whole not-having-a-job thing is getting me down.  Oh, and the not-living-in-my-own-house thing.  And the not having money is kind of a bummer too.

I'm awesome at multi-tasking.  I juggled full-time grad school and making a 4.0, working part time, being the president of a student organization, organizing a charity walk, taking care of my awesome daughter, being a loving wife, and keeping the house semi-clean all at the same time.  Oh, and I actually had a social life.  So this stay at home mom action should be no problem, right?

Wrong.  I hate the lack of structure.  I'm also a stress organizer---when I get stressed, I organize and clean.  I can't really do that here. 

Give me a paper to write, give me an event to organize, give me a meeting to plan, and I'm a rockstar.  Give me day after day of having no definitive deadlines or things to do, and I start wearing pajamas until two p.m. and watching seven episodes of Buffy and eating box after box of old Girl Scout cookies  (really parents?  WHY ARE THERE STILL THIN MINTS IN THE FRIDGE?  Well, there were.  Until I ate them all.) 

I constantly talk to Mo-mo, even in public places.  It's a running commentary of what is going on around me.  I also make sound effects when I'm pushing her around in a cart, and I pretend it's a space shuttle.   

It's embarrassing when I realize that people actually listen to me.  I had someone direct me to the bananas when I asked my daughter where she thought they were in the grocery store. 

Anyways, I'm taking steps towards unfunkifying myself.  (Defunkify?  Dial back the funk?  Whatever you call it, I'm going to quit throwing myself pity parties.)

I've been exercising at the YMCA.  They  have a nursery there too and Mo-mo seems to love hanging out with other babies.  I have my ever-constant craft projects (one is almost finished, I'll post it soon).  I'm taking a cake decorating class at Michael's.

I met this fabulous guy at my friend's wedding on Friday.  He works at Sephora and he's "passionate" about skin care.  And he loves to do makeovers.  I could do with a new look.  My current look is best described as vampiric pale without the sexy creature of the night allure. 


Oh my god!  I'm blinded by the pale!

Yeah.  I'm not saying that I'm going to go out and get myself a lovely fake orange tan, but I could stand to get a little sun.  I've also been wearing the exact same shade of eyeshadow for the last four years or so.  It's time for a change!  My wardrobe deficiencies (too numerous to name) shall have to wait until I have income.     

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Sorry, Indiana.

Q. How can you tell if a person is from St. Louis?

A.  Ask them to define the word "hoosier".

If you say that hoosier refers to someone from Indiana, you are from anywhere besides St. Louis.

If you say that the word hoosier means trashy or redneck, often associated with mullets, confederate flags, chewing tobacco, camo-wearing and a lack of teeth---you're from St. Louis.

It seems so mean when I try to explain it.  People from St. Louis really don't hate Indiana, I swear.  It's as if this slang has been around so long that people from St. Louis forget that it's also associated with an entire state.

I admit it, I use the word.  Say it out loud.  Hooooooooosier.  It's fun to say.  I just have to make sure that there is no one from Indiana around who would take it the wrong way.

Brittany looks totally hoose in this photo. 
(pronounced "hooge")

Besides that, I can't think of any other St. Louis specific slang.  Some people do say "fardy" instead of forty, "yous" as a plural of you, and "warsh" instead of wash.  

But I wouldn't recommend it---it sounds totally hoosier.