I don't have time to exercise.
Okay, that's a lie. It bugs me when people say they don't have time to do something. I hear it a lot about reading, as if I read a lot because all I do is sit on my butt and eat bonbons and read. What this phrase actually translates to is this is low on my list of priorities and I am not willing to give up doing something that I actually enjoy to make time for this activity.
Which is pretty much how I feel about exercising but with an extra glob of guilt thrown in. Because that bonbon thing? Partly true. I love chocolate and bacon and red meat and pretty much anything made with lard or sugar or cheese.
I spent about six weeks this summer where I went to the YMCA at least twice a week. Then Mo-mo got sick, then I got lazy, and then I got a job.
Batman and I went to the gym last night for the first time in an embarrassingly long time.
Conversation on the car trip there
Me: Maybe I could work out before work. You know, wake up at five a.m. and head straight to the office from there.
Batman: Are you joking?
Me: Okay, I know, that's pretty improbable. How about if I started taking speed?
Batman: Good idea. I've heard that drugs are a healthy alternative to exercise and good diet.
Me: I think D.A.R.E. would disagree with you. I suppose that isn't the best idea either. Dammit! Why does hard work have to be so hard?
Conversation on the car trip back
Me: So the elliptical I was using was insane. It had way too many buttons and kind of looked like an AT-AT. I kept fiddling with the buttons hoping that I would find the laser cannons.
Batman: You probably weren't going fast enough to keep them charged.
Me: That's one way to encourage exercise.
Batman: Every time you hit your distance goal you could taze one person.
Me: I would taze anyone skinnier than me.
Batman: Good prioritizing.
Me: I think I would first taze women who wear heavy layers of make-up while working out. Then the guys who stare at themselves soulfully in the mirror while they lift weights. Then anyone who makes audible grunting noises. Then anyone who can actually do those crazy upside down sit-ups.
Batman: ...you've thought about this a lot, haven't you?
Me: For every person you judge, you burn 50 extra calories through spite. It's a well known fact.