Okay, if you're still reading, I'm going to presume you're like me and twelve year old boys: We all think that farting is funny.
I've been trying to eat healthier. I've gained five pounds since starting my new job because all I do is sit at a desk, work, and snack. "I don't understand it," I complained as I scarfed down bags of M&M's and destroyed some double-stuff Oreos. "Why am I gaining so much weight?"
I bought a big box of Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal in an attempt to not become a giant quivering pile of Jello, because you all know how I feel about exercising.
"It's healthy!" I thought. "It even has the word lean in the name! This plan can't go wrong."
(insert evil laugh here)
Little did I know that Kashi Go Lean Crunch would better be named Big Tasty Bowl of Toots. The first day I ate a huge bowl for breakfast. Two hours later, almost to the dot, I had gas. Horrible gas. Like, quivering-to-hold-it-in-because-I'm-at-work-and-turns-into-one-minute-farts-when-I-can-let-it-out gas. Luckily on the stinkiness factor, it was oddly odorless.
Stupid me, I didn't make the connection the first day. So I ate a huge bowl the next day. The same thing happened. I'm fairly certain my officemates hate me now, and I don't even have a dog handy to blame it on.
By the third day I started to figure out something was wrong. My husband was worried about me and feared I was getting an ulcer because I would complain of a stomachache every afternoon (which sounds better than saying my colon hurts).
Mmmm! Now with more flatuence!
I stopped eating the cereal, and lo and behold, my flatulence problem disappeared. I've googled it and apparently it's quite a common problem. There are web pages and blog entries like this one devoted to telling the story of Kashi: The New Musical Fruit. There are people who thought they had a serious medical condition until they found out that no, it's just their cereal. There's one woman who describes how in attempt to be healthy, she ate a huge bowl and then went to her first yoga class. Hilarity ensued.
The worst part about it is that it's quite tasty. I would have happily used it as a snacking food along with eating it for breakfast. I've even tried eating half a bowl, hoping that if I started off with small amounts, my body would get used to it. My body most vehemently did not get used to it.
When I told my family about this, they all 1) wanted to try it and 2) wanted me to give some to my brother.
Wait, what? I guess it's like the reaction when you try something so horrible that you just have to share it--the "here, try this, it's gross" factor.
As for the second part, the males of my family are pretty naturally gaseous. I grew up thinking that guys farted all the time. Giving Kashi to my brother, Meat, would be like adding gasoline to a fire. A very stinky fire.
Some people blame the chicory root, others the soy powder, and still others the vast amounts of fiber. Whatever it is, I know that I shall no longer be eating Kashi Go Lean cereal. I will close with this aptly appropriate link to an SNL commercial for a cereal called "Colon Blow".
I guess it's back to double-stuffed Oreos for me.