Everything I Know I Learned From Old Musicals. God Help Us All.

Ah, musicals.  They hearken back to a simpler time, when women were women and men thought nothing of bursting into song and dance.  These lovely tales not only fill my heart with song but have taught me numerous life lessons that I will not soon forget.

 Lesson #1, from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers:  Kidnapping is a legitimate form of courtship.

It's a love tale for the ages:  boys meet girls, boys fall in love with girls, boys steal girls away to their isolated cabin and keeps them there all winter...I mean, I can't believe that Batman didn't use kidnapping when he dated me.  It's just so romantic.

I'm considering applying this to other relationships, I think it could totally work.  For instance, I've been considering ways to strike up a friendship with other mothers at the park.  Maybe if I kidnap one to show her how awesome I am, she'll realize that I'm the best friend she never had and we can go on playdates and to the mall and exercise together.  Now I just need an isolated cabin and a van with tinted windows.

Of course, I'll also have to sing about historical atrocities while I do so.  Maybe I'll make a jaunty comparison to the kidnapping of the Lindberg baby--after all, this musical has a song about the (rape of the) Sabine women.  

  

I'm so happy that someone kidnapped me to show me true love!

Lesson #2, from Bye Bye Birdie:  It's okay to drug people to get what you want.

In the last part of this movie, the main characters use a new drug called "Speed-up" (who are we kidding?  It's just speed) to make the Russian ballet go ultra-fast so that they can be on the Ed Sullivan Show.  

I think that this visionary approach to problem solving is not applied often enough in this day and age.  Someone trying to steal your promotion?  Crack-cocaine to the rescue!  A boss doesn't seem to like you?  Perhaps some ecstasy will solve that!

   

 Who cares about the long term ramifications of using this new drug I developed?  My song was played the Ed Sullivan Show!

Lesson #3, from Kiss Me, Kate:  Physical abuse is his way of showing that he cares.

I don't even have to write to explain this one, just take a look at the movie poster:

Really?  Really?!?

Clearly, true love = physical violence.  Apparently Batman never got the memo about this.

Lesson #4, from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum:  Orgies, slavery, and prostitution are HILARIOUS. 

I am soooooooo bored, but this movie has shown me how to have a great time.  Batman and I are going to visit a brothel, have an orgy, and perhaps participate in human trafficking.  I know it sounds highly illegal and as if we're benefiting from the misery of others, but trust me--it'll be a rollicking good time.

"Tragedy tomorrow..." (when the cops arrest us), "comedy tonight!"

I vote that Batman gets to be the crossdresser in this situation. 

This blog entry is taking me a bit longer than I expected and I keep coming up with new ones, so I'll just wrap it up.

Lesson #5, from the Unsinkable Molly Brown: Always snub those who are mean to you.

Lesson #6 from Meet me in St. Louis:  Children are creepy and obsessed with death.

Lesson #7 from Annie Get Your Gun:  Never, ever be better at something than a man.

Lesson #8 from The Music Man:  You can reform that criminal through love!

Lesson #9 from Hello, Dolly:  Always marry for money.  (This is also a lesson from the Unsinkable Molly Brown)

Lesson #10 from Calamity Jane:  He won't love you until you wear a dress.



See how much these old movies taught me?  With these old fashioned values and beliefs, how can I go wrong?

Today for you, tomorrow for me.

There is one good thing about breaking my iPod:  I started rooting around my old CDs for something to listen to while in the car.

I rediscovered this:

And I'm not talking about the horrible, horrible movie version.  No, I'm referring to the Broadway soundtrack.  I think I may have blocked out my love of this musical because of that awful movie.

Yes, it's cheesy.  Everybody has AIDS (haha Team America) and everyone does drugs.  The bad guy is named "Coffin" for godssake, they might as well just named him Hitler.

But it's still fun.  And I still know every single freakin' line.

"December 24th, nine p.m. Eastern standard time, from here on in I shoot without a script...."

(un)Apology for Country Music

Hello. My name is Bee and I like country music.

I've kept this forbidden love hidden since eighth grade. Our social studies teacher gave us an assignment to choose a song with at least four similes and metaphors, play the song for entire class, and describe what those similes and metaphors mean.

In hindsight, this assignment does not belong in the realm of "social studies".

I think the teacher just wanted a) students to think he was cool and b) kill the rest of the school year without actually teaching.

This same teacher was rumored to be an undercover FBI agent. At least every day in the middle of class one student would raise their hand and ask if he was really truly a FBI agent. Because I can keep it secret, I swear.

He'd act annoyed but he secretly loved it.

We had to submit three song ideas and the lyrics. I turned in: Garth Brook's "The Fever", Deana Carter's "Strawberry Wine", (in hindsight: not an appropriate choice as it's about a girl losing her virginity) and "I am the Walrus" by the Beatles. That last one I kind of threw in at the last minute because my brother was convinced he knew the deep hidden meaning of the song.

When I got my proposal back, my teacher had written something snarky, like "Not country music! Anything but country music!"

So I pretended I just submitted country suggestions ironically, did the presentation over "I am the Walrus", got a crappy grade because really there is no good explanation for what the hell it's about (plus Wikipedia wasn't around yet so I couldn't even fake it), didn't get to into honors History my freshman year, and started pretending that I didn't like country music.

It baffled me how other kids effortlessly started learning about "cool" music. My parents listened to country and oldies so I listened to country and oldies. The radio was never turned to anything else so I was never exposed it. In grade school I had heard of New Kids on the Block but didn't know any of their songs.

Freshman year of highschool I borrowed all of my friend's tapes and made copies, started listening to alternative music radio stations, and dated guys who knew about music. I found some more acceptable (in other words, "cooler") music styles that I liked: ska, punk.

I managed to be stunningly musically hip for about two weeks in college. I could b.s. with the best of the hipsters--discuss how this singer started xyz spin-off band, how their second album was unfortunate because their record label was horrible.

Then I realized that it takes a ridulous amoung of effort to be musically hip so I gave up and started listening to whatever caught my fancy on the radio.

I like music with interesting lyrics, especially ones that tell a story. That runs the gamut of country, oldies, musicals, alternative, "emo" (ugh, I hate that word), soft rock, punk, and even some rap. My ipod playlists are varied and eclectic.

"eclectic" may be a code word for pretentious

That being said, I do have three issues with country music.

1. There has been an influx of recent songs about what it means to be country, party in the country, or defining yourself as country. These songs are now boring. Unless you are Gretchen Wilson singing about being a redneck woman, stop singing about this and write something more interesting.

2. I HATE "Eight Second Ride" by Jake Owens. Here are the lyrics to the chorus with my notes in red.

And she said hey boy, do you mind, taking me home tonight?
No woman would ever really say that. I hope.
Because I ain't never seen a country boy with tires on his truck this high
Really? That's your reason for wanting to sleep with him? Wow. Klassy.
I said climb on up but watch the cup that I spit my dip inside
Ew. Ew ew ew ew.
Hold on tight 'cause it's gonna be wilder than any 8 second ride.
You're comparing sex to something that lasts 8 seconds? Perhaps you should look for a more flattering metaphor.

The rest of the song is equally as marvelous.

3. I also hate the song The Christmas Shoes. Words cannot describe how awful and sappy this song is. My dislike for it is so infamous that my dad bought Batman a gag gift of The Christmas Shoes turned into a story book and tried to make us watch the made-for-TV special.

It's awful. You owe yourself to listen to it here if you've never heard it. Hopefully it won't make your head explode.



Despite these complaints, I love country music. Give me some Johnny Cash, Hank Williams Sr., George Strait, Big & Rich and I'm happy. I'm no longer ashamned to admit it.