Sorry, Indiana.

Q. How can you tell if a person is from St. Louis?

A.  Ask them to define the word "hoosier".



If you say that hoosier refers to someone from Indiana, you are from anywhere besides St. Louis.

If you say that the word hoosier means trashy or redneck, often associated with mullets, confederate flags, chewing tobacco, camo-wearing and a lack of teeth---you're from St. Louis.


It seems so mean when I try to explain it.  People from St. Louis really don't hate Indiana, I swear.  It's as if this slang has been around so long that people from St. Louis forget that it's also associated with an entire state.

I admit it, I use the word.  Say it out loud.  Hooooooooosier.  It's fun to say.  I just have to make sure that there is no one from Indiana around who would take it the wrong way.

Brittany looks totally hoose in this photo. 

(pronounced "hooge")

Besides that, I can't think of any other St. Louis specific slang.  Some people do say "fardy" instead of forty, "yous" as a plural of you, and "warsh" instead of wash.  

But I wouldn't recommend it---it sounds totally hoosier. 

Don't Touch My Baby! Also titled Paranoia Paranoia Everybody's Coming To Get You

I've read many variations of the same complaint on mommy websites:

"OMG why do strangers touch my baby This old lady smiled at my baby and touched her hand and I pulled my baby away and said GOD why do you have to be so rude ewwwww germs I need a sign that says hands off"

I don't understand this reaction. 

I get that there is an automatic mommy-bear reaction when someone you don't know is around your baby.  You want to protect them.  You want to make sure the other person is safe.  I get that, I really do, and I'm not advocating handing your child to the man who stands on the street corner mumbling about puppies and George Bush.

There are times that I understand the concern.  If your child is newborn, especially if he/she were premature, I understand the hesitation and frustration when everyone wants to touch him or her.

But my baby is old enough to crawl.  Anything and everything she sees she puts into her mouth.  I've come to the conclusion that she's going to be exposed to dirt and germs, and although I wouldn't want someone with a cough and fever picking her up, I'm okay with a kindly stranger touching her.

Think about it:  It's not like you are spotlessly clean yourself.  No matter how well you wash your hands, they are dirty.  You touch doorknobs, money, your purse--things that have a large amount of germs on them.  If for some reason these things don't have germs in your house, chances are you are over-sanitizing---and that could be even worse for the health of your baby.

When I hear about these complaints, I think about my grandmother.  I think about how babies are a sign of hope and love, and how these ladies just want to say "hi" to a baby and remember their own children and grandchildren.  It's sad to me that the culture of fear is so prevalent that any stranger, no matter their intention, is viewed is suspicion and distaste and even revulsion by some moms.

Moral of the story: please don't be a jerk when someone touches your baby.

Gender and Social Construction, or, My Sociology Degree Allows Me To B.S. With The Best of Them

I'm a liberal person.  I have a degree in sociology--a science where you pretty much have to truly believe that gender and sexuality fall on a continuum rather than in simple categories.  Still, I was annoyed when I read this article.

A couple in Sweden is keeping their two-year old child's gender a secret from everyone.  They refer to the kid only as "Pop".  They're doing this because it's "cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead."

This is yet another example of a parent taking an idea and raising it to the power of crazy.

I dress my daughter in baby clothes from the Boy's section at times.  I see no reason that blue, puppies, and monsters should only be allowed on boy babies.  I don't freak out if people call her a boy, because she's just a baby.    She'll have toy cars and cranes, and if I have a baby boy he can play with baby dolls or tutus if he desires.  As she's growing up, I don't want people to only tell her she's pretty--she's also brilliant and funny and sweet and brave and strong.  No matter what she decides about her sexuality or even her gender, I'll always love her and support her. 

But do I think she's going be stunted and confused because people view her as a girl?  Um, no.

My issues/questions:

1) Why this extreme method?  It makes it seem more like a social experiment based on ideology.  The child does not live in a vacuum--he or she is going to hear about people wondering about his/her gender and going to wonder why it's such a big deal, and may result in feelings of shame and embarrassment.  I think that you can create a supportive environment for whatever preferences your child chooses without resorting to hiding gender completely.     

2) How long can this go on?  This is going to have to end before Pop goes to school.  I hope.

4) Are they reinforcing opposite gender expectations?  Are the parents going to be disappointed if Pop is a girl and loves pink dresses?  If he's a boy and loves trucks and sports?  I could totally see this kid disappointing his/her parents if he/she is a walking stereotype.  Maybe I'm not giving them enough credit.

5) Gender pronouns.  I sure hope the Swedish language is better equipped to handle a genderless person because it makes me sad to think about a child being called a dehumanizing "it".

Philosophy, Schmilosophy

Recently I've become more and more alarmed at the idea of "parenting philosophies".

It started when I read this article. And then I read several more articles on the same site. The more I read the more I realized that this author was out of her mind.

(For those of you too lazy to click and want a summary, this blog is about someone who embraces the ideas of Magda Gerber. The first link is all about how parents that use pacifiers are selfish and stifling their children.)

I feel as if the problem with any parenting philosophy is that people adopt it then carry it out to an extreme level. Magda Gerber's theories aren't all that crazy. I believe that you should talk to babies and not only use baby talk. But I don't think my daughter is going to be psychologically stunted because I treat her, well, like a baby.

Attachment parenting is the same way. There are some good theories in it but I've seen mommies take it over-the-top. I like babywearing but sometimes I like using the stroller. Mo-mo slept in our room until she seemed ready for her crib at 3 months. And I don't think she's going to be worse off than another baby who was raised using solely attachment parenting theories because we made those decisions.

The problem with moms that adopt a parenting philosophy: they seem to think, "Huh. Here's a good idea. EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF THIS MUST BE EXACTLY RIGHT FOR MY CHILD, THUS PEOPLE WHO DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT MUST BE WRONG. And their poor child will grow up stunted and disturbed."

If I had to define my parenting philosophy, it would be this:

1) I don't have a parenting philosophy because my daughter has been alive for less than a year and it would be incredibly arrogant to assume that I have all the answers.



Ha ha! Of course I'm kidding. I do have all of the answers.

1) Be flexible
Don't follow every single piece of advice blindly. Just because parts of a (sigh) "philosophy" fit you and your child, doesn't mean all of it will. You are allowed to pick and choose. I won't tell the philosophy police, I promise.

2) Avoid extremes.
Moderation is key. I've read about parents who never tell their child that he/she is smart and only praise their hard work because XYZ study recommended it. Or parents that never tell their child that she's pretty, rather saying that her outfit is nice so as not to focus too much on looks. Or never let their child eat anything with sugar.

You know what? Your kid isn't going to become shallow if you tell her once in awhile that she's pretty. He's not going to be lazy just because you sometimes praise his intelligence. She's not going to be obese because you let her eat a cupcake on a Saturday afternoon.

Relax. Never say never. And pass me a cupcake.

3) Just because it's right for you, doesn't mean it's right for everyone.
I'm looking at you Mrs. Judgypants. You know who you are.

The Ten Mommy/Facebook Commandments

So you're a mom now. You're excited about your little bundle of joy and want to share every detail about him or her with the entire world. The problem: you may be oversharing. I've decided to post 10 easy rules about how to use social networking sites without annoying all of your friends. Most of these are inspired by this blog.

1. Don't post photos of poop, placenta, vomit, or your child's bits. The first three are just gross and disturbing and the last is for modesty's sake (and for preventing those pics from being seen by creepy pedophiles).

2. Don't get into details about poop or spit-up. You will have multiple conversations with your significant other about the consistency, color, and timing of your child's bodily functions. But the rest of the world does not care.

3. Don't let yourself get lost in your baby's life. While being a mom is tons of work and incredibly important, your friends want to know how YOU are doing. Comment on what you thought about this week's Lost. About a good dinner you enjoyed. About how you stubbed your toe.

4. Some details about your baby are (gasp) kind of boring. There are maybe three people that want the intricate specific details about your baby's life. Your baby said his/her first word? That's cool, share it. Your baby ate peas today? Not so interesting or particularly important.

5. Don't be a photo glutton. Make a 365 blog if you take that many photos. Don't post album after album of the exact same photo taken at a slightly different angle. Your baby is darling, but we don't need 40 identical photos to confirm that.

6. Don't mommyjack. Mommyjacking is when you turn the topic of every conversation into a complaint about being a mom. Your single friend complains about how tired she is because she stayed up late partying? "I wish I could party like that, you should try staying up with a BABY." Your friend is worried about her sick dog? "Just wait until you have a BABY then you'll know what worrying is." This behavior is rude and unnecessary.

7. The occasional vent is okay, the perpetual whine is not. Being a mom is hard work. If every single day you are posting about how difficult it is, how tired you are, and how you need a break--perhaps it is time to call Grandma and Grandpa, a friend, your husband, and take that break.

8. Breastfeeding is beautiful, natural, and a wonderful bonding experience for both you and your baby. But your old college roommates do not want to hear about your chapped nipples or clogged ducts. Find a mommy message board, go to a La Leche League meeting--there are more appropriate venues to discuss breastfeeding woes and get support for any problems you have.

9. Don't complain if you're not getting special treatment. The world is full of mommies and children. You may get glared at when your child is screaming in the grocery store, even if there is nothing you can do about it. People may not get out of the way of your stroller, so you'll politely need to ask them to make room. Neighbors may be mowing their grass while your baby is trying to nap. None of these things are the end of the world, nor should they invoke rage filled rants on Facebook.

10. Be careful about what you post. Identifying information = not a great idea. Keep your Facebook set to private so that only friends can see your photos.



I actually have two Facebook pages, one for myself and one for Mo-Mo. I post a couple of the best photos every month on mine and talk about her when something incredibly exciting happens, like she said "Mama" for the first time. On her site, I post videos, more photos, and less exciting updates like her height/weight statistics or how she reacted to solid food for the first time. I didn't ask anyone to "friend" Mo-Mo but told people about it, so it was up to my friends and relatives to "friend" her.

Easy Cooking 101

I have a serious confession to make: I wasn't always the culinary artiste that you see before you.

(I'm going to wait for my friends who have known me for more than, oh, three years to stop laughing. That's right, I see you snickering at me.)

I was infamous in college for being clueless about cooking. I never really had to learn until my senior year. I lived on-campus as an resident or a RA for the first three years of college. Even after I finally moved, I hung out with three guy friends who loved to cook so there was never any pressing need to learn.

My friends love to tell these two stories:

When I was 21 and finally living outside of the dorms, my roommate walked into the kitchen to find me very carefully measuring cups of water and pouring it into a pot. When she asked me what I was doing, I explained that I was making boxed macaroni. I was measuring the water to make sure I g0t it right. She laughed her butt off as she explained that it is NOT necessary to be that exact with mac and cheese. I didn't know--I was just following the box.

I also called a friend and told him that I had frozen ground beef and I wanted to turn it into nachos, but was not sure how.

After graduation, my now-husband and I moved to Texas together. For the first two years we did not make very good food decisions. We ate out at least twice a week if not more often. When we "cooked", it was pizza rolls or chicken tenders.

Three years ago we moved to Illinois. We had very little money and we were both getting fat. Something had to change about the way we approached food. It was difficult to go from eating out or making frozen food to cooking every night--so here's how we did it.



1) Create a two week menu.

We go "hardcore" grocery shopping every two weeks and get odds and ends once during the off week. Before I started making a menu, every single evening my husband and I would blankly stare at the pantry trying to decide what to make. We inevitably made meat and macaroni.

We usually build two nights of leftovers into the menu. When trying to decide what to make, I go for: 1 pasta dish per week, 1 Mexican dish, 1 chicken dish, something that uses the crockpot, and 1 new recipe. Each night we have one main dish + one veggie + one carb.

I'll post an example of a typical menu later this week.


2) Have some no-effort main dishes and side dishes.

Be realistic: You are not going to want to cook an difficult meal every single night. There are a couple of "no recipe" meals that we enjoy--ravioli (I love the frozen brand from Walmart), shake 'n bake (extra crispy!) pork or chicken.

For our veggie, we usually have steam-in-the-bag frozen veggies. They're good, they're quick, they're easy. Salad is also a quick alternative (I love romaine with feta cheese and raspberry vinaigrette).

For the carb, we usually have 10-minute brown rice, southern style biscuits, or garlic bread. We started buying the bags of biscuit and the frozen slices of garlic bread because so much goes to waste if you buy and make an entire can/entire loaf at once.


3) Freeze half, eat half.

Otherwise you will get bogged down with leftovers. Lasagna, chili, soups, pot roast, pretty much anything you make in the crockpot--half can be frozen for a later meal (I usually include it in the next menu).



4) The crock pot is your friend.

Get one. I use mine about once a week. Check out this blog for inspiration if you think that all crock pot meals are the same.


5) Fresh ingredients are lovely, but unnecessary if you are broke or in a hurry.

It would be nice to have the time to buy everything fresh but you know what? I don't. I buy my ginger pickled, my garlic pre-minced (and by the pint--I use a lot of garlic) and my basil already dried. I use bottled lemon and lime juice rather than buying the fruit. I've even been known to substitute a can of diced tomatos for the fresh variety.

The Pregnancy Hospital Bag

Advice to pregnant ladies: First of all, relax. Your labor isn't going to be ruined because you forgot a robe. It also isn't a huge deal if you over pack--I know I did.

I was lucky enough to have a hospital bag packed up and ready to go when I went into labor. If something happens and you go into labor without a bag, the only thing you'll truly miss is your digital camera. I used a small duffel for myself and the diaper bag for Mo-mo.

That being said, here's my list of the good, the bad, and the unnecessary.

The Good

• digital camera and charger
• chapstick
• going home outfit for me. I packed something comfortable enough that I could sleep in, if I wanted to nap. The nursing tank and sweatpants were not the most glamorous, but nice and comfortable.
  
• gum for dry mouth
• cellphone and charger
• list of phone numbers of family to call, including work numbers
• laptop and charger
• basic toiletries- shampoo, body wash, toothbrush and toothpaste, deodorant
• Snacks for husband
• Going home outfit and receiving blanket for baby
• baby nail clippers. Baby nails are sharp and for some reason, they won't clip them for you at the hospital.

The "I used it because it was there"

• my ipod. I didn't make a special playlist or anything. I played Counting Crows in the time after my epidural/before pushing.
• my robe. I only used it when I walked into the hospital hallways, trying to get reception on my cell.
• champagne
• Make-up. I used under-eye concealer the day after giving birth. The rest was just a joke.
• My pillow. But then, I'm not overly attached to my pillow like some people are.
  

The Unnecessary

• Stopwatch for the contractions. I used www.contractionmaster.com when I was at home. Then at the hospital I was hooked up to a machine that counted them for me.
• Nightgown, slippers. I really thought I was going to use my own nightgown the evening after giving birth. I promise that you will be so disgusting that it's just better to wear the damn hospital robe.
• Written birthplan. No one looks at it--just make sure that your husband or coach knows what you want so that they can be your advocate.
• Massage stuff. But I had an odd labor with my water breaking--if my contractions had slowly built up, I would have wanted them.
• My baby book. I actually forgot this, but they put Mo-mo's footprints on cards so I can just glue them in. Much easier than hauling around the actual book.
• The boppy. I didn't even bring mine and didn't miss it.
  

The Hospital Provided (And don't be shy about asking for more!)
Hospitals are all different, be sure to ask on your hospital tour what yours provides.

• perineum bottle
  
• nipple shield
• pacifier
• mesh underwear (believe me you DON'T want to wear your own)
• pads
• diapers
• disposable towelettes for "blotting" after using the bathroom
• Either a small hand pump or new tubing for an electric pump